resigned.
POSTED AT 03:54 PM
i miss you.
i miss you in a way that makes my food taste different, in a way that makes the jokes seem not so funny somehow. i miss you in a way that chairs and benches suddenly become animated and value-laden. i miss you in a way that makes me look twice at every car the same model as yours that passes by, in a way that makes me think of you and me when i'm supposed to be listening to a very important lecture.
it's funny that i miss you when there isn't a whole lot to miss, really, if you think about it.
we certainly did not become an "us" in the traditional sense. post-modern-ly, maybe, but it still begs the question about context and interpretation and all that shit. we've never gone out on a date, never been alone together except on some lunches and car rides and typing sessions. which is hardly anything, but is somehow everything, right now.
there's a lot i shouldn't like about you, so i really don't know why this is so hard.
i could tell myself it's because i'm in like with the idea of you, with the idea of someone completely new meeting the old me, and accepting me just the same. but then again that could just be me telling myself that.
maybe the reason why i'm hooked is the way you look at me. yeah, that must be it. it's the way you look at me, like how you think of me as yours, in your mind, and how could swallow me whole, alive. when you look at me, you make me feel, and it's been so long since i've had that.
love is something else altogether, but of what use is it to me when it's beyond my reach, inappropriate, hurtful, and taxing?
i don't love you. at least not yet. maybe when the smoke clears and the tears dry we can make a go at this, but for now, i'll make nothing into something and wish you were waiting like me too.
