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POSTED AT 12:05 PM

nebulous

i'm sick. again. i don't know what it is with my throat and how it seems to almost spontaneously and randomly decide when to get all inflammed/masakit/gah.

and my parents are away. stress. my lola keeps on asking me all these eh? questions that i should not be worrying about given i'm not married with kids, i had to sweep dog poo (of the really big dalmatian that has easily knocked me over before; the small one's boarding at the vet) because the helper is new** and scared of said dog, i had to do papers and fix things because if i don't no one will, and i feel alone.

kadiri. and needy na kung needy but i miss having someone check on me if they know i'm alone. 'yung mga tipong magtetext ng random shit to keep me company or something, or ask what's up. because that's usually my mother's job and she's not here.

kadiri. and needy na kung needy but i miss the time when we used to talk a lot. kahit na veiled attempts to connect over stupid and pointless acads-related texts. or how you'd send me 20+ quotes in one go and wait for me to comment on each one, or some of them at least. may iba din naman akong namimiss, i think, pero wala akong karapatan kasi wala naman (he's taken great pains to let me know that it's always been pathetically one-sided, that i'm delusional, and yuck would i please get over him) and he likes boys. assuming naman na meron tayo but whatever. at least you're supposed to like girls (sana lang 'di ba?). there's nothing stopping you from liking me other than me. and my lack of exercise. or cheekbones. whatever. maybe that's the reason why it still hurts.

groooooosss. ano ba. i am effectively talking to myself but still.

+++++

 

ganda ng grey's. love it. umiyak na naman ako (batac-moment) pero ang intense talaga.

Feeling: sick, tired. and alone.

one last time before i go
POSTED AT 01:53 PM

nebulous

regret.

regret happens when you've made a really bad decision. it also happens when you've made the right choice, but somehow, somewhere along the way, you find that everything's changed (or became clearer) - and suddenly the choice that was once right is so terribly out of place. and just wrong.

there are so many i wish-es and if only's in regret. it's screwed up that regret shows you the many things you could have had, things you just didn't have the foresight to see, as well as the hurtful truth that there's no way of having them, not now, not ever.

i wish i had chosen differently. there's only so much complication anyone can take. choosing differently then would have meant not whiling away so much time. it would have meant starting earlier on something that was worth it. this is the point where i don't care anymore who's right or wrong. i'm here now, even when i could have been here before all the damage, and before i got to be this jaded.

that's what i regret.

and that's why i'm doing this for the last time. it's gotten to a point where i'm angry, so angry that i can no longer see the many things i have, the many things i should be happy about. so i'll give myself this night, one last time to count backwards. then i have to be somewhere else altogther, because that's the only way i can look back at this and not feel so stripped of the ability to hopeful.

phew.

Run by Snow Patrol/Leona Lewis

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Feeling: determined

questioning.
POSTED AT 12:39 PM

nebulous

why was it so hard to write a poem about new love, looking forward, and falling in love without you? and why was it suddenly so easy to write a poem about moving intently forward but with my mind lagging behind?

hmmm.

meanings we see are meanings we make.

 

resigned.
POSTED AT 03:54 PM

nebulous

i miss you.

i miss you in a way that makes my food taste different, in a way that makes the jokes seem not so funny somehow. i miss you in a way that chairs and benches suddenly become animated and value-laden. i miss you in a way that makes me look twice at every car the same model as yours that passes by, in a way that makes me think of you and me when i'm supposed to be listening to a very important lecture.

it's funny that i miss you when there isn't a whole lot to miss, really, if you think about it.

we certainly did not become an "us" in the traditional sense. post-modern-ly, maybe, but it still begs the question about context and interpretation and all that shit. we've never gone out on a date, never been alone together except on some lunches and car rides and typing sessions. which is hardly anything, but is somehow everything, right now.

there's a lot i shouldn't like about you, so i really don't know why this is so hard.

i could tell myself it's because i'm in like with the idea of you, with the idea of someone completely new meeting the old me, and accepting me just the same. but then again that could just be me telling myself that.

maybe the reason why i'm hooked is the way you look at me. yeah, that must be it. it's the way you look at me, like how you think of me as yours, in your mind, and how could swallow me whole, alive. when you look at me, you make me feel, and it's been so long since i've had that.

love is something else altogether, but of what use is it to me when it's beyond my reach, inappropriate, hurtful, and taxing?

i don't love you. at least not yet. maybe when the smoke clears and the tears dry we can make a go at this, but for now, i'll make nothing into something and wish you were waiting like me too.

on subterfuge
POSTED AT 03:14 PM

nebulous

 well, well, well. what do we have here?

 hahahaha. damn, he's cute. DAVID RADFORD!!! <3

 too bad he got voted out. haaay. he should go and make a flick or tv show or something. haaaay. *dreamy*

the only cute guys left are ace and will. but ace looks gay. waaah.

+++++

i'm missing the rushed food trip with alvin and richard. waaaah. masarap ang libre

anyhow, i'm busy preparing for my report on ebola. damn cool. :D i really want to be a virologist now. sheeet.

i wanna tennis/badminton so bad. let's take advantage of the carless oval while we have it. parking's a bitch, and i can't leave the house at 6:45 for a 7am class anymore, but the roominess has to be good for something

+++++

i'm officially whacked and confused. goddamnit.

 bakit ganitoooooo?!

hay nako. para na naman akong weathered rock particles transported by agents and deposited when carrying capacity of these agents decrease (in short, i feel like a sediment brought alone, moving aimlessly).

 waaahh. what is wrong with me? what is wrong with you? and while i'm at it, what's wrong with the world?!

+++++

tryouts tomorrow. putcha

no to stress.

yeah, right. :|